Vestibular Neuritis

From the "On this Day" Application on Facebook to the Macbook alert that I have not backed up my system in 165 days.... I'm reminded that what I think was "just yesterday" is actually much further behind me. Photos pop up from one year ago, three years ago, eight years ago.... Photos that I swear just happened a bit ago. In reality they were a season ago, a year ago, half a decade ago... Soon to be...a lifetime ago. As if time doesn't already go fast enough, I feel like vestibular neuritis has robbed me of so much.

Squandered Moments

While I strive to be a better mom almost every day of my life, I am struck with this insatiable need to be MOM and only MOM more. I fear death but I don't want to live forever. No, I want to be in these moments longer. I want to stretch my time in every moment. It is hard to say that as I am struggling with a health status that keeps me down. Do I want to hurry up and "get better"? Will I ever get better? What if I don't? How many moments have I squandered or... excused? I'm not dying exactly--I mean, we all are dying the moment we are born. My old self...at least the body that contained me isn't what it used to be. Feeling robbed of that old body has consumed me. Frustrated me. Made me depressed.

Mom Was Too Tired to Play

I've been too tired to play more times than I can count in the last year that I've been plagued by my condition. Will I look back on this year as "The year I was too tired to play?" Wont that be the same as saying- I was too tired to live? When you're a mom--playing is living. It is being in the moment. I KNOW that. We all know that. Having this condition has made me blind figuratively, and, at times--literally. I'm wasting time. I'm wasting moments. I "give myself grace" as so many bloggers urge us to do. Grace to embrace feeling shitty and letting go of all the amazing things I did not do with my kids today. What did I do instead? I wasted that time allowing myself the "grace" to just... feel shitty. What moron said to give ourselves grace and why did I listen?

Grace=Excuse

Ok, sure, maybe there are times in our lives as moms when we do deserve and need grace just to get by. Maybe. Maybe not. Maybe we have to give ourselves grace and then dig deep to find out where we are squandering our time. That's hard. That's harder than forcing myself to play when I'm too tired. Is grace just the word we are using in place of...excuse? Give yourself "an excuse" when you're sick...tired... No, that sounds terrible. We say "Give yourself grace when you're sick." Right? That just doesn't sound honest to me. I'll admit--I totally got sucked into it. I gave myself grace this year. Exactly 365 days of grace were given from the moment I first couldn't breathe without vomiting or stand without falling to now... where some days I just feel nauseated, foggy, blind and dizzy; or other days where I have to pull myself out of bed, vomit and pray that this moment is as bad as it is going to be for the day.

Doing It All Despite Vestibular Neuritis

It is hard to admit what you need to let go of in order to make room to be a better mom...to be the present mom that you want to be....need to be. This year of living with the damage vestibular neuritis did to my body sucked. It was downright pitiful. I've said things, done things, felt things and missed things that I can't take back or get back. I'm angry about that. Almost as angry as I am about living with this damaged body of mine. That doesn't get me anywhere. I've mastered the art of managing a "Crunchy Super Mom" lifestyle. There is no doubt in my mind that I have a gift for *doing it all* and doing it well. There are some things I don't do often enough... and I'm going to go after those with reckless abandon as I embark on the second year of being damaged. I may not see clearly with my eyes anymore, but my heart has never seen things more clearly than it does right now.

Thank you for reading and allowing me this indulgence in speaking from my heart instead of my "robot mind". If there are others out there who are living in the aftermath of vestibular neuritis...I would love to connect with you. Please contact me [email protected]